That’s until, I started feeling weird. My chest hurts, I had some random cramps the other day, irritable mood for a week or more. I decided to take the test, and decided to forewarn him that I was taking one. The first one, nothing happened, I mean nothing. Not a line, not a color, not an error, blank. Laughable enough. We spoke on the phone, and his responses to what I’m telling him are so disgusting? is that the word I want to use? Yeah, yeah, I think it is. “We are still on the same page aren’t we?” he says. Um, well, when we had THAT conversation we were dating. I tell him, “you know, this makes it even more awkward because you have a girlfriend, and you might have gotten your ex-girlfriend pregnant, so, yeah, awkward. How are you going to explain that one?” He sort of laughs, and doesn’t say much. I say, well, I’d make your ass come down here if I was, and go with me. He said “you tell me where to show up and I will,” and it hits me like a wall – he’d show up, not tell a soul, we’d finish the appointment and he’d hightail it to work. Getting away scott free without any responsibility. I felt a lump in my throat as I realize that this is a man I used to be in love with. A man I thought someday I wanted to have kids with. And now it could have happened, and he’s still playing that little boy “see what I can get away with” card. Sickening.

He then starts telling me to go get the morning after pill. Um, Travis, it only works for 72 hours after. It’s been…12 days. Clearly not an option. I then google the “other” option, and am horrified, could I really do that if I had to. I spent the whole night thinking about what if I was – how would I handle that? I can barely afford to get my hair colored, let alone care for a child. I want one, someday, I think. But it was more and more clear I would never want one with him.

And today as I sit at my desk, with the second test done, and a negative, I breathe a sigh of relief! Thank you! But it also hits me, that what I said to him regarding his girlfriend, truly applies to him, and not in the “Oh, you’re so cute, cause you’re stubborn” – more like “you’ll never change. you’ll never be a good guy, you’ll never the guy who admits he’s wrong, or tries to change,” and I start to feel sick all over again – how could I have loved someone so much and fought for them so hard and this is the result? I only wanted to love some one, and love them so much once. Clearly, not the plan for me – who knows what that plan is, but its disappointing that in that love that I had for him, the intoxicating, determined, sweet, innocent love — all that, that I gave him, he doesn’t change. he doesn’t blink, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t shudder, he just is the same.

Revelations, Chapter I.

Two weeks ago, I discovered I wasn’t in love with Travis anymore. How and WHEN did that happen? Two weeks earlier, I’d been sobbing on my way home, heart busted and all after the news he had gotten back together with Mandy (which turned out to be wrong).  Maybe my heart had enough, and my brain said “you know what? FORGET THIS!” Seriously though, I can’t access my heart right now. I’ll ask myself “How do you feel about Travis?” and nothing, like a flat line on a heart monitor. He spent two consecutive Sunday’s together, and there were moments when it felt like no time had passed at all. Moments when I didn’t think much about what we were doing. But there were never any heart wounded moments. No moments when I wanted to cry because I missed him so much. He came over last sunday and we laid in my bed for about 5 hours, finally got up and had dinner. When he left he kissed me goodbye, and I was totally unphased by it. A few months ago, I would have died for such a thing to happen. I would have given my left arm if it meant I could be back with him. How is it now, all of a sudden, its gone, or its lost? I almost feel bad. We text occasionally during the day, and I feel like I’m keeping some terrible secret from him. But who I am kidding, I know he doesn’t want to be back together, or does he? I don’t particularly want to. Now life is SO much different than it was 4 months ago. I’m readying to leave my temp job for a job with Cardinal Health.  It really feels like high society in a way. Truth be told, its not. Amy’s still dating Eric, and the stories I hear sound like there are some good losers to be had there. I’m not all high and mighty. But I feel like it is. A few months ago I was planning my future with a red headed, tattooed, truck loving, header operating man, and now, I can’t even tell you what I’m going to do in September! It’s only 4 days away. Sometimes I think I can’t see much past 100 feet in front of me. That’s my future, 100 feet. So, not like me either.

So the question goes, “who is doing this to me?”,

“what has happened?” ,

“is this normal?”

“can I stop it?”

“do I want to stop it?”

Are these questions even worth asking? And now, I’m just tired.

I’ve lost count for the times I’ve walked into this apartment building in tears. I never see anyone, and therefore, I’m not necessarily known as the red faced crying girl in the elevator. Maybe its because I come with an entourage. Though they can’t see it, I know you’re here with me. And when I say you’re I mean Tut-Tut, Grandpa, Aunt Lil, Maw-Maw, — I’m sure there are more of you, but I just have the vision of you all in tow.  I know I don’t know the reason that all of this has happened, and I know I have had angry days, irrational days where I’ve thought, “swallow a bottle of pills,” Lord, you know there were a couple of really scary days like that. But it seems now that you’ve set me on a different path. I’m unsure of it, it doesn’t look anything like I’ve planned, and I’m not 100% sure that I even want to go down it, but you’ve put me here. I’ve become almost helpless, paralyzed to control anything. I don’t even claim to be able to control myself. Allison so wisely put it the other day when she said “if you made a list of all my fears, they have all come true,” I’m looking at the fears. I’m living those fears right now. I’m living this disappointment, this broken heart, this uncertain world, this status quo, this nothingness. I’m living it, I wouldn’t say well, but I am. Some days, I feel picked on, I feel worthless, I feel fat, I am exhausted. How much else? What else? Who else? I’ve stopped living those anticipations, I’ve become hardened. For a while fearful, and I’m not so much that anymore. I’m fearless because I gave up control. I have no control, and somedays its funny, and other days its crippling, and I’m expecting it, this disappontment, loss, hopelessness. I expect it, so there is no surprise when it happens, but slight surprise when something else happens.

I’ve got to put behind me this drama. This…need for everyone to feel sorry for me. It doesn’t buy me what I want. It doesn’t get me Travis back. At the moment, I don’t want him, all fibers of my being are shaking to get away. Like a skin to be shed, he is what I want to be shed. I want to be free of that, and I think today I am. I’m going to turn my back, close the door and go. There is nothing there, no hope, no promise, just more heartache and more tears. I’m good with those, really.

There’s part of me that just wants to go right now, go to the beach, sit near the water, take long walks and just remember what its like to be me. Just me. It’s not a bad thing, its not the worst thing, its something. I think I fear myself actually. Fear the version of me that maybe no one will love? Fear those deep depths that still surface, the me that is still so scared of being rejected. Fear that me that just doesn’t have a clue, or have an answer. I fear the unknown and I’m living it, one day at a time. One minute, of every hour, of everyday.

So, since the unknown is mine, I’m going to ask for more, but I’m also going to ask for some more me time. Show me the place where I become me again. Where I know, I can be me, and its not up to someone else, its not in anyone elses hands. It’s just me, being me, living me, appreciating me, working me.

I think I’ll go for a run tomorrow.

I harp on Travis thoughts, I think things a million times, and tell myself that if I can just get the right set of words to him, he’ll want me back. He doesn’t want me back, as evidence of the lastest ramble I dropped on his windshield. I knew it was a bad idea, and I did it anyway. Today I read an article about Jesse James, from the West Coast Choppers. He’s Travis, only 40. He said he went through his crazy phase until he reached 30 and then it all changed. Now he’s married to Sandra Bullock,and lives a calmer life, and she forced him to change and he’s the better for it. I text Travis and just said “read the july issue of maxim, jesse james, it has you written all over it,” and it does too. Somehow I hope he could read the part about Sandra Bullock changing him, or whatever, and think of me, but he won’t.

at this point I’m feeling pretty beat down. I don’t have many desires to be around people, when I feel like this. I don’t have any desires to go out and be bold, I just want to be alone. Because no one has the right words to say, and its as if they don’t even remember that it happened. I re-live parts of our relationship EVERYday. Some days they are good memories that make me smile, and other days I re-live that he hasn’t called, won’t call and that I’m a foolish obsessed girl. Somehow the way I feel on the inside doesn’t make it to the outside. People pass me by as if I’m fine, or don’t matter, or talk about themselves. I feel so terrible for doing the same to other people who went through difficult times, or were heartbroken as I am. I couldn’t feel for them what I feel right now. It’s not that Travis made my life, he was just a really good part of it.  It’s not that my life won’t go on, but I sort of don’t want it to. There is fear of the future. Why? Why am I so fearful? Shouldn’t I be excited? I got out of a job I hated! But now I’m out of something that I loved, with someone that I loved. I guess I can’t see the future, or it doesn’t look as bright without him. Those are the thoughts I’m trying to get over, but can’t manage. So, I guess I’ll pop another pill, swallow some more tears, put on a half hearted face, and go back into the world, cause that’s all I can do, and it sucks…

We yelled at each other yesterday, or at least I finally yelled at you. You told me to “get over it,” and that was maddening. My senistivity doesn’t just go away, I don’t just move on that quickly. It’s not who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and as hard as I try I can’t change that. But then I called you back and the yelling ensued. I remember I asked you “what are you so scared of?” You mumbled something about not having any fears. I remember that vividly. But then Amy mentioned your mom, and all of a sudden, I see it.

I know you’re mom left when you were young. You’ve told me that story, you’ve told me a thousand times, and to this day even, she plays it off as if it was nothing. It doesn’t bother Terry much, and Terry says half of what you say is bullshit. But I get that its your reality. It doesn’t matter if it is. It’s your reality that your mom left, and you and Terry were cared for by your dad. Your dad, the hero. He did whatever he could for his boys, regardless.  Your aunt sally, your uncle dan, your granddad. They were there for you boys, when she wasn’t. Then when she came back, things were really bad for a while, and there was a lot of abuse that went along with that too. I think down the line things started to heal just a bit, and you met Stephanie, and you loved her with all the love you weren’t able to give to your mom, or that she didn’t want. Then the pain, she cheated on you, and you were devastated. She left, and you continued to be devastated. How else would you be? She broke your heart, which had already been badly broken. Your mom said to me once, that with every break up she’s seen you shut down more and more. Then came Mandy. I think you felt for Mandy what you felt for your dad, having to raise you boys alone. I think you saw her as someone who had taken on a challenge, and you wanted to help her raise Hayden. But then as time went on you realized, that’s not what you wanted. You thought you wanted that life, but somehow you backed out of it. Then there’s me. In the beginning it flew by so quickly, the i love you’s the wanting to be together all the time. Then…it sort of fizzled, and I couldn’t understand why, and continued to try and grab all those things that were before. A lot of waiting happened in between, and I got caught up in how I was feeling, and I wasn’t listening to your clues. I took the “I’m waiting 13 to get married,” as a person reflection on me, and they weren’t. That was a reflection of you. That’s what your granddad did, and it worked for him, for reasons you believed were your reality. Really…that wasn’t the reason, but that doesn’t matter, its your reality that matters here. You once told me that if we had kids, and we got divorced you’d fight me to the death for those kids. You told me a few weeks ago, when I hadn’t gotten my period, that if I was pregnant chances are you’d take the kid. I said “basically you’re saying I wouldn’t be a good mother,” you said “I never said that,” and changed the subject. It never dawned on me then.

You see me as someone who runs away. I’ll give you that, it appears as though I have. It appears as though, when I didn’t get my way, I left, as you put it. But you should understand that, I’ve had this balloon if you will, of getting married my whole life, and you let a lot of air out of it, in one day. That was shock to my system, what else was my reaction supposed to be? Robin once told me that it bothered you that I didn’t finish Graduate School. I know it bothers you that I got out of my lease in my apartment. I know it bothers you that I sold the BMW and bought another car. Those are just things. I’ve thought long and hard about those things, and that was the conclusion at the time, but again they are just THINGS! Material possessions.

When you and I got back from Pennsylvania, and I left. That was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn’t want to leave, I never wanted that to happen. I couldn’t understand at the time, I was only working with the information you were giving me. You were telling me it wasn’t going to happen, you could see us dating, but that was it. Our differences were too great. Then the job loss, followed by too many other things. When I got back from NC and we tried again, you didn’t try. You turned it off. You didn’t try at all. You made up these rules, and changed your mind with each minute. When you said you were stuck, I said I can’t make you feel something you don’t. I thought you wanted me to leave. If your not going to try, why am I going to stick around? You can’t expect that I’m just going to stay there and you can’t put anything into it. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t expect someone to stand there, and just wait without some reassurance. Some sign that you love them.

I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. My dad walked out, and it took me 16 years to forgive him. To turn around and not be so hurt by it. To look at him and be able to say “I love you, in spite of the mistakes that were made, and the hurt that I felt because you left,” 16 years! Tears, ache, crying. But it was because of that moment that I was able to love you as much as I do. That I am able to still stand here and say I love you. I can’t predict the future, but I know how I feel about you, I see who you TRULY are on the inside, and even though you don’t want anyone to see it, I can see it, and I love that part of you. I will not break your heart. I left to partially salvage mine. I left to put the pieces together to see what was left, after I felt like it shattered, and what I found was, that I still love you. I want to keep loving you, but you’ve got to let me in to do that. You’ve got to trust me. You didn’t trust me. Travis, I can only do so much with what you give me. Travis, you can heal from this, you can. This ache, this hurt. Your mom left, and it was horrible. Betraying for a woman to leave her children. I understand that fear, don’t you think i have moments where I think men leave. Why do you think I’m so fearful to have children? I told you that on our first date. I didn’t want to bring children into a relationship I wasn’t sure of. It comes down to the fear of the unknown. We can’t know what the future holds. We can’t. That in itself is scary, and you’re right, we have to get up each day and keep going. Otherwise the fear would cripple us, and we couldn’t move. But here’s what I’m saying, I know I can go on, but I’d rather do it with you by my side. Lets walk into the unknown together. I see so much of what is good in you, and I can’t ever walk away from that. Why do you think I’ve been fighting so hard? I’ve been fighting for the you that I know exists. The you that you’re hiding, and the closer I got to you, the harder you pushed me away. That’s not fair. When I tell you that I love you, its because I do. It’s because I want your heart, as I’ve given you mine. I want it, and I would be so careful with it. I would treat it so well. It would be my greatest treasure. I wouldn’t trade it in for another model. I wouldn’t put it down and walk away. You’re heart is precious to me.

I realize I might just have to stand here like a fool, and say these things, but I mean them. I KNOW how I feel about you, and while you say we want different things, I know those things aren’t enough to seperate us. Yeah, I want to get married some day. I’ve always wanted that, I will always want that. I want a lot of other things too. I want a nice house, a fancy car, big ole diamonds, I want to travel. But those are just things I want. They are empty shallow things. Those things aren’t you. With you watching Tom and Jerry is enough. Living in your house is enough. Buying truck parts is enough. Being with you is having my cake. Getting a nice house, would be eating it too, but you can’t always have those things. So,if I had to choose, I choose you. I love you. I want you.

I’m not leaving this post of how I feel. I want you to think about it. Think about that fear, think about forgiving your mom. It’s the hardest thing to do, but it wasn’t about you, she left because she needed to leave. She left so she could come back and at some point be better. She left because she was scared of something. Can you blame her? She was scared. Don’t repeat that cycle. This will just keep happening if you do. Forgiving her will not make you weak, thinking about this doesn’t make you a weak person. Showing your heart makes you vulnerable, and its scary as hell, but as you said to me once, its great at the same time. I continue to be vulnerable to you, I keep bringing my heart out, and I’m going to keep doing it. Won’t you follow my example?

It’s now, what?  18 days since we’ve spoken. I’ve almost broken that streak about once every two hours. I keep telling myself, wait until tomorrow, see if you still want to tomorrow. Inevitably, tomorrow comes and around 2 in the afternoon, I want to text you. But still I haven’t. Good for me?

I stood in the card section at the grocery store Saturday night and cried as I read a car that I sent to you yesterday. I included a “poem” I had gotten via email about the “reason, season and lifetime” people that come into our lives. I felt like it nailed it on the head. The card too. It basically said that I can talk to other people, I can go do things with other people, but its not the same as you.  Very true… even though your reaction was never exactly what I wanted, it didn’t matter ALL that much. Because sometimes I got to be in your arms when you said what you thought, or you agreed with me that it was bullshit. Or you thought it was funny too.

I guess its silly for me to think that I’ll never meet someone else like you. People meet other people everyday, but I think about the three words you told me on July 21st, 2008. You told me you loved me. I loved you a little before then, but I told it all the time, because I meant it. I meant it everyday. I loved who you were, what you did, and all the little things about you. I think about the freckle on your lip, your laugh, the faces you made when you got mad. Your crazy haircuts. Your belly, and bellybutton. It was the way you made me feel. I probably loved you too much. But when I told you that I loved you, did you hear it? Did it mean anything to you? If I told you I loved you right now, would it mean anything?

Sometimes I think that I’m not allowed to feel this way. Like people think its a joke. Like I’m not old enough. Like I’m not mature enough to love someone. Maybe I’m not, but I’m not 12, I’m 27. But did I love you too much? Did I smother you like that cartoon?

Robin said today you haven’t been acting yourself. But that you always speak of me fondly. I told her back, that i couldn’t say anything mean about you either, because I love you. I want to call you, I want to tell you I love you, that I want to be with you, but I know I can’t. I’ve got to give it to God. Take away the desire, take away the hurt, make it what you will, but know in my heart of hearts I want you, and love you. I can’t be the one to reach out, you’ve got to be the one.  You know how I feel about you…, but does the meaning of the words translate to your heart? to your head? and what do they mean to you?

Maybe someday I’ll know, but most likely I won’t…

Today was a good day, we said goodbye to you, and the new you is a 10×10 cherry box, set to buried next to that beautiful english teacher you married and loved for I don’t know how many years. We then went to the place where you met her. It was a good day, and had you been there, you would have smiled and laughed along with us as we did about you. People said the most amazing things about how generous you and she were. How much you helped, how you wrote letters, kept up and delighted in knowing what people were doing, and how their lives were progressing. You always listened on the other end of the telephone, and while you never had any other questions, you, I know enjoyed hearing the conversations.

I’m sad for losing you today, because I don’t know that I ever really told you “Thank You”. Thank you for the wonderful gift of my wonderful life. I know I’ve had times of selfishness, and times where I’m sure I disappointed you. But you gave me such wonderful gifts, and made so many things possible, when you didn’t have to.  How could I ever repay what you have done for me? I hope by paying it forward. I hope by being an example of the both of you. Loving, gracious, happy and lively people. Thank you for encouraging all three of us. Thanking you for giving endlessly without threat, debt or circumstance.  You two have given more than any other people  I know, and I feel so incredibly lucky to call you my grandparents.

I know you’re not here with my physically, but I hope always with me in spirit. I pray that the Lord will continue to surround me with angels. I know I have incredible ones. Thank you for loving me, just the way I am. Thank you for your support, and thank you for your endless gifts of love.

I love you always.

So, its me here, and the monkey, and I think we’re a good team, and I’m sure she thinks I’m a bit wacky, but it doesn’t stop her from cuddling up next to me every night and falling asleep. That’s love.

So, here’s to the monkey, day time jobs, anonymous blogs, good dye jobs, small pink pills, popsicles, barefeet on a summer night, and realizing that what one person thinks is a weakness, might just be your strength. I’m on my way back!

So, put that in your pudding and eat it!

I feel this block right now, and it settled in yesterday, for what I hope is an extended stay. A block against those feelings of you. I haven’t even started the meds at that point. I’m hoping they still help though. A block against thinking about you all day everyday. Thinking about you in terms of moments. Today was a new start, a new place and I see now how it helped.  Sometimes I fight too hard to be misreble, I guess because I think out of misery comes true feelings. And while I think that’s true, I’m not thinking I don’t need to wallow in misery, those feelings coming around once or twice are okay with me, but not for weeks. I can’t even say right now if I love him, what is that? Literally, I feel like my heart is in a blow up plastic bag, and anything that tries to pop it is bouncing right back off. Weird! But…Thank you.

I see I was right, you won’t even think about it. You won’t think about the fact that your Mom left, and that you might have some abandonment issues. You said “believe me, it has nothing to do with us,” I want to ask, “then what was it?” but I’m too scared.  Too scared the answer will hurt. I’ve done enough hurting. I don’t need to keep that going, and while the bigger part of me doesn’t want my life to be without Travis, there’s another part of me that’s like released, that’s letting go, and that’s a little scary, and painful, but maybe…… I don’t want to say it. ….and here come the tears…

I think you just need to go away. 

 I can’t be your friend.